Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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