I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
