You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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