She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
