I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I want her autograph on my taint
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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