Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
