Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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