is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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