I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
