I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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