Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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