I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
