What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
