I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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