the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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