Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
