her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
