I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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