I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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