I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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