her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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