I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
