Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
