who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just had sex on a roof
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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