if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
