I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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