I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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