I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
