Where did you get a picture of my penis
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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