I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
