Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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