Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
