how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
