i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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