You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
