i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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