Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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