just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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