My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
