Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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