My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A+ Viking dick
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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