he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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