my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
