Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
