Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
