I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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