Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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