Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
