His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
