i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
