he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
