my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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