did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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