This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize