I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
